But Now I See
by Chibiyu
Summary: What he couldn't see ended more than his life. It ended my own will to love, to laugh, to live. With his blindness…came my journey into nothing. JONAS oneshot


**Chibiyu: **_New One-Shot inspiration. Of course I am writing this instead of finishing other stories. _

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_**But Now I See**_

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**Summary: **_What he couldn't see ended more than his life. It ended my own will to love, to laugh, to live. With his blindness…came my journey into nothing. _

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_A smile. A flutter of my heart. And then nothing. He never knew. He would never know. And part of that fault lies in my hands for I had none of the bravery he had to tell him. But at least I had the eyes to see it. At least I had eyes where he would rather turn blind than accept anything about me. Than to accept the fact I loved him more than life. _

_Sure the ones that saw where sympathetic and they begged me to tell him. But I couldn't and eventually, they faded away, leaving me alone with my own self induced misery. And I covered it. I acted like I was over him. But I never was. I couldn't get over his perfection. His face when he was playing music with his brothers. The love for it and the joy as he looked over to each brother in turn. And then to me. The joy still housed in his eyes. And I smiled, bringing one to his face. _

_But we were no more than friends. And that was what killed me. He had no idea I wanted more. _

_I've been with him through the good times and bad throughout the years and he always have been thankful. He's told me he loves me but I knew it was no more than sisterly. And every time I walked away from that, I failed to see the smile die from his eyes. I failed to see I had hurt him too. But it didn't matter; he didn't love me like I wanted him too. _

"Is something wrong?" _The perfect voice asked as he brushed my hair from my shoulder in concern. But not in love. _

_I smiled at him but he frowned, seeing something in my betraying eyes. _"No, nothing. Listen, I have to go…I…I just have to go." _I ran out of the movie theatre, leaving him behind. I knew of the confusion. I ran out on him every time I felt the tears coming, which was every time I was with him. But I didn't know that I was hurting him every single time I walked away. Every time I pushed away from a hug, or cringed from a simple brush of our hands. _

_He was blind. Why couldn't he see I loved him more than the sun and the moon combined? Was he so blind? How did he not see me? How did he not see my heart even though he never left my side? I left his. He was the only thing that could beat me into pieces, the only person that could win against my heart. Because I was wasn't winning his heart. He was only winning mine. _

_I ran home and collapsed on my bed in silence, having no idea my love was sitting in his car writing in a notebook, tears held in his beautiful eyes. I did everything I could to make him see. But he still would not have me. _

_Nothing I did made any difference. I tried to fall out of love with him, but I couldn't. Every time I saw him at school, every time he smiled at me and waved, my heart broke from the love it housed. And it shattered when I remembered he didn't want me. _

_But why would he love me? I was ugly, untalented and just annoying to everyone. And him? He was gorgeous, famous, adored, everything I was not. I didn't deserve him. But I didn't know I was killing him. To me, he was the murderer. Killing my heart and ripping myself from society. I couldn't be in the same room alone with him anymore. It hurt too much. _

_So I pushed him away. _

_I grabbed my phone and started texting rapidly to his number, tears coursing down my face. _

**I can't be your friend anymore. I can't be around you. Just leave me alone!**

_I sent it, not knowing that he was now driving to our peaceful cliff top view, almost crying. _

_His reply was not long coming. _

**If…If that's what you want. I'm sorry I was a burden to you. I never meant to be. **

_I hated myself but I had to tear myself away from him in order to stop my heart break. _

**You should be sorry. Stay away from me from now on. I don't want you in my life anymore. You or your stupid music or brothers. **

_Such lies flew from my fingertips as I lay with my head dangling upside down off my bed. Tears flew in my hair; none falling like rain drops to the floor. I hated myself but this had to be the only way. I couldn't tell him, he would hate me. A best friend wasn't supposed to love another best friend. He didn't feel that way about me and he was blind to it. He had to be. He never acted as more than a friend to me. _

**I'll get out of your life. Goodbye.**

_It sounded so final…what have I done? _

_But I didn't text him back. I dropped my phone and cried into my pillow, unknown to the fact he had placed a note under our message rock and had hit the gas, tears on his own face. I was too caught up in my own pain to care about how he felt. For all I knew, he could be happy with finally ditching the annoyance that was me. He could be ecstatic. _

_I sobbed into my pillow until morning came and someone was frantically pounding on my bedroom door. Stella burst in and saw me, hugging me tightly. _

"You found out?" _She whispered and I pulled back, knowing I was a mess, but she didn't look good either. Her normally brushed hair was in tangles, her clothes stained with what looked like tears, her eyes red and tired. _

"What?" _I asked and Stella held me close again. _

"Oh Mace…it's…it's Nick. " _She started and instantly my heart stopped. What had I done? I pulled out of her embrace, shock etched on every feature of my face, tears falling again. How many tears have I cried for that man?_

"What happened Stella?" _I nearly yelled and she looked at me sadly. _

"He's dead Mace."

_What? I…I had killed him…how…_

"The Cliff Mace…he drove off of it last night. We don't know why...but…he's gone Mace." _Stella sobbed and I shot out of bed and ran again, not caring about my appearance or the tears cascading down my reddened cheeks. I didn't care for the cold burst of wind or the chilled concrete under my bare feet. I just kept running. _

_My feet took me to mine and Nick's favorite cliff side and just as Stella had said, evidence of car tires where dug into fresh earth and led off the cliff. Why Nick? I thought…I thought this was the better way. _

_I ignored the police line and they didn't question me. I saw Joe and Kevin on the distance; sobbing but I didn't join them. Stella told me that Nick hadn't left any reason, any note. But she didn't know about our message rock. _

**Flashback**

**"Come on Mace!" **_**He begged with his deep chocolate eyes. **_**"It might sound dumb but I think it's…different." **_**He finished rather lamely but he smiled. **_

"**Nick, come on." **_**I said, rolling my eyes and he smiled more, laughing a bit. **_**"Ok fine. When I come out here alone I promise to leave you a note under that rock telling you that I came out here and blah." **_**I laughed and he nodded. **_

_**He picked up the large stone and under it was a tiny indent with a locket in it. He nodded to me and I picked it up, hugging him tightly when he put the stone down. **_

"**Thanks for putting up with me Mace." **_**He laughed and I nodded, trying to hide my true feelings. We hugged again and my heart shattered once again. **_

_**END**_

_I pulled the locket form under my shirt and opened it to reveal the picture of Nick hugging me tightly and kissing my cheek. I was red in the face but smiling broadly. But that kiss meant nothing. Nothing to him at least. _

_I walked over to the weathered stone and kicked it, revealing the hole and a neatly folded piece of notebook paper. I unfolded it with shaking hands, knowing Nick had written this with his last few breaths. _

**To my love, Macy,**

_Did I read that right? I can't have…but I did. Nick…he loved me? No…it just meant like a friend. _

**Mace, I never had the courage to tell you how much I really care for you. If I had it my way, in two years when you are legal, we would be married. I love you Macy Misa. I always have. **

**I've tried to show you but you kept pushing me away. When I told you that I loved you, you ran. Why? Did you not love me back? Did I scare you? I am sorry if I did. And I should have given up then, but I couldn't let you go. Even when you kept pushing and pulling, begging to get free, I fought all the harder to hang on. I am sorry that I did. You deserve more than me. **

**Last night, when you walked out from the movies, I knew I had to let go of you as both my love and a friend. You later confirmed that and I realized then and there, without you in my life, I have no reason to live. Yes Macy, I lived for you, in vain hopes you would love me too. But now that my one hope is gone…it is time I moved on. **

**I am happy with the laughs and good times we've shared and I am thankful that you were there every time I needed a friend. You are and always will be my best friend Mace, even when I am gone and you are reading this letter. It was always you. **

**But don't feel guilty Mace. The blame is not yours. But mine. I was too blind to see you didn't want me. I just should have stopped instead of hurting myself more. But no. I was stupid and dumb to think such a beautiful, talented and lovely girl would want me. Would want the bore, the genius, the music loving dork. **

**I am sorry Macy. For everything I've put you through. It is my wish, now that I am gone, you will be able to smile again like you used to before I ruined everything with those simple three words; I love you. **

**Can you do a dead man one last favor? Please direct Joe and Kevin to Kevin's bottom bunk, where they will find my last gift and goodbye to them. Thanks Mace. I can always count on you. My last goodbye to you is this letter, and my last gift is my death. **

**Again I am sorry Macy. A girl like you doesn't need a guy like me. **

**I'll see you again in Heaven. **

**With eternal love and friendship,**

**Nick**

_He…He…He loved me? I was the blind one…not him. All of the hugs, the smiles, and the hand brushes, everything was hinting to it. He even told me he loved me and I got up and walked away, holding a broken heart, not even seeing it was meant to mend it. I was so blind and stupid and now…he's gone. _

_Just like my will, my love, my life. _

_I felt someone hug me from behind and I turned and sobbed into Joe's chest and Kevin hugged us from the side. _

"He left you that…didn't he?" _Kevin choked out, his voice holing resentment that he left me something and not him. I nodded. _

"He loved you. He told us so." _Joe forced out in a tired and broken voice. I nodded again and pulled away. _

"Ni-," _it was too painful to say his name. _"He left you both som-something in K-Kevin's lowest-t bunk." _I cried out and they both looked at each other and nodded. But they didn't leave. _"Th-this is my f-fault!" _I cried out, showing them the letter but they seemed hesitant to open it. But they did and they read. _"I lo-loved h-him and I th-thought…"

"He didn't love you? His acts were only of friendship?" _Kevin finished and I nodded again, unable to go on. _

"It's not your fault Mace." _Joe instantly put in after reading as he handed me the note again. _"Don't ever think that." _He begged. _

_But it was. _

_Nick Lucas was dead because of me. _

_I pulled out from their embrace and approached the edge of the cliff, wanting and not wanting to see the damage I've caused. But they both held me back. _

"You don't want to see it." _Kevin told me but I pushed away from him and ran to the edge, suddenly needing to see it, to experience the full blast of pain from my actions. _

_I nearly screamed when I did. _

_His black mustang was about one hundred feet below us. It had flipped and the top had completely smashed and I saw no way my love could have survived. I saw blood on the rocky ground and I sobbed, taking a step away form the edge, picturing my love, my Nick, broken and bloody, never to move or breath again. Never to smile, laugh, or hug me. Never to love me. _

_And it was all my fault. _

_Nick…will you ever forgive me?_

"Macy?" _Kevin called and I turned to look at them. They looked awful. Pale skin with red eyes and messed up hair, tear trails on both of their shirts. And I caused it. _

_I turned from them and ran and ran and never looked back. I didn't go home and I didn't go to Stella's. I just ran, clutching Nick's last words as if they were his heart. I stopped when I got to my mom's store and I opened the locked door, ran behind the desk and pulled a notebook towards me. My pen flew through the air. _

**To everyone,**

**It is my fault Nick died. I loved him and I pushed him away because I was too blind to see he loved me too. Too blind to see I was killing him. It is my fault and I can't take it. I took Nick from everyone. I killed his heart, his spirit, his smile, his laugh, his music, his love, him. I broke every single fan's heart as well as all of yours and I can't stand this kind of pain. **

**I love you all but I can't live with this…without him. **

**You will never see me again because I am going to Hell for what I did. But when you see Nick in Heaven, tell him I loved him always and forever and I am so sorry for everything. Tell him it was all me, not him. And tell him…if I had it my way, we would be married the instant I turned legal. Just like he wanted and just like I wanted. **

**Macy**

_That was when I ran again, but this time, it was to my mom's drawer. I pulled out her security knife and held it, admiring its sheen before it was dulled by blood. My blood. I took Nick's letter and kissed it once before folding it small and putting in the large locket. Now my heart only held him. Just as now…it would bleed for him. _

_I walked over to my open note and looked one last time at the tear stained page before I raised my arm and plunged the blade into my heart. And so I, Macy Misa, died. _

_Just like my will, my spirit, and my love. _

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_THRID PERSON-NO POV_

The funeral was large and grim, the Lucas and Misa family all crowed in their children's favorite church. They all sobbed into hands, shoulders and tissues, they all cried for their lost ones. But nothing they did would ever bring the two back.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch, like me!" Joe started singing, remembering Nick and Macy's favorite Church song. And everyone joined in with the mourning rockstar, as he sobbed into his older brother's shirt.

"I once was lost, but now I am found, was blind, but now, I see."

And little did the attendance know, two teens in Heaven sang along, hand in hand, faintly smiling at their love finally united.

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**Chibiyu: **_No idea where this came from. Hope you all enjoyed it!_


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